In a candid reflection that challenges conventional parenting wisdom, acclaimed parenting author and podcast host Janet Lansbury has publicly addressed instances where her previously offered advice on toilet training may have been detrimental to a family. Lansbury, known for her "Unruffled" podcast and her emphasis on child-led development, has revealed that a parent, initially seeking guidance on a prolonged toilet training struggle, ultimately found success by deviating significantly from Lansbury’s recommendations. This admission, detailed in a recent podcast episode, serves as a significant self-correction and offers valuable insights into the complexities of child development and parental guidance.
The Initial Dilemma: A Four-Year Toilet Training Saga
The story centers on a parent who, approximately a year prior to Lansbury’s recent revelation, reached out for advice regarding her then three-and-a-half-year-old daughter’s resistance to toilet training. The daughter, described as physically, cognitively, and verbally ready, was reportedly "absolutely set on being in diapers forever," exhibiting significant fear and avoidance of the potty. The parent, feeling a disconnect between Lansbury’s child-led approach and her daughter’s persistent avoidance, expressed her struggle to reconcile these philosophies.
"My three-and-a-half-year-old is absolutely set on being in diapers ‘forever’," the parent wrote to Lansbury. "She will not so much as get near a potty and don’t even think about talking about it… I’m honestly doubtful that, left to her own devices, she will ever get to the point of feeling ready." The parent further articulated concerns about "not enabling avoidance that doesn’t serve her, leading to feeding her fear cycle," noting that in other aspects of her daughter’s life, they acted as "wise guides" to help her overcome fears and engage with the world. This created a perceived contradiction in allowing her daughter to remain in diapers indefinitely.
Lansbury’s Original Advice: Trust, Boundaries, and Feelings
In the original "Unruffled" episode, titled "When Kids Don’t Seem Motivated (to Potty, Crawl, or Create)," Lansbury addressed the parent’s concerns within a broader discussion on fostering intrinsic motivation in children. Her core recommendations for such situations were threefold:
- Trust: Genuine trust in a child’s natural abilities, motivation, and inner direction, coupled with ample opportunities for practice.
- Reasonable Boundaries: Establishing clear, yet appropriate limits that do not overstep the child’s developmental readiness.
- Welcoming Feelings: Allowing children to experience and express uncomfortable emotions, such as frustration or uncertainty, without the parent feeling an immediate need to fix them.
Lansbury posited that children are inherently motivated to learn and develop skills, and that external pressure or anxiety from parents can hinder this natural progression. She suggested that the daughter’s strong resistance might stem from perceived parental pressure, even when the parent was attempting a gentle, child-led approach. Lansbury advocated for a fully trust-based method, believing that the child would eventually initiate the process when truly ready, especially given that her peers were already toilet trained.
The Parent’s Persistent Doubts and a Shift in Strategy
Despite Lansbury’s advice, the parent remained unconvinced that her daughter would ever initiate toilet learning independently. She described a history of attempts, starting around age two, including a brief, distressing encounter with a popular, aggressive toilet training method. This was followed by a period of complete withdrawal of pressure, a strategy that persisted for over a year.
The parent recalled, "When she turned two, we noticed signs of what we thought at the time was readiness and a good time to give potty training a try: absolutely hating diaper changes, body awareness, and telling us when she had to go and after she went… But she absolutely would have no part in it, was very distressed and physically resisting."
After the initial failed attempt, the parent adopted a more passive approach, occasionally mentioning the potty as an option and allowing her daughter to observe her. However, as her daughter approached her third birthday, the parent’s doubts resurfaced. Encouraged by her pediatrician and a child therapist, who suggested a more direct approach, the parent decided to assert that it was "time for underwear." While the daughter initially complied by choosing a potty and underwear, she experienced significant anxiety and resistance at the first sensations of needing to urinate, ultimately having accidents. This led to another retreat to pull-ups.
The parent’s internal conflict intensified. She wrote, "I’m honestly doubtful that, left to her own devices, she will ever get to the point of feeling ready… It’s so out-of-sync with the highly skilled and capable kid that she is, and it feels like enabling a phobia." She described her daughter as a "fearful and avoidant kid" who required parental guidance in other areas to overcome challenges.
The Breakthrough: A Four-Year Journey Concludes
The crucial turning point came as the daughter approached her fourth birthday. The parent, driven by a personal conviction that four years old was the absolute limit for a child without developmental disabilities to be in diapers, decided on a firm, non-negotiable approach.
"As she approached her fourth birthday (this was just a couple weeks ago), we decided that even though she was not interested whatsoever in taking the steps to get out of diapers, four would be the limit," the parent explained. "I was unwilling to have a four-year-old without developmental disabilities in diapers, and so there was simply going to be no choice anymore."
This decision marked a significant departure from the child-led philosophy. The initial days were described as "grueling," with intense fear and resistance from the daughter. However, the parent remained resolute, pushing through the discomfort. The strategy proved successful, leading to the daughter’s successful transition out of diapers and comfortable use of the toilet within a week.
Lansbury’s Retraction: Acknowledging the "Bad Advice"
Upon receiving this update, Janet Lansbury recognized the need to re-evaluate her own guidance. She acknowledged the parent’s success and expressed regret if her previous advice had inadvertently steered the family away from their instincts.
"I’m thrilled for you and your daughter that you got this result," Lansbury stated. "I imagine you’re greatly relieved, and I’m sincerely sorry if my advice led you astray and away from your instincts."
Lansbury’s subsequent podcast episode, "The Bad Advice I Gave About Toilet Training," delves into her analysis of why her child-led approach, in this specific instance, proved unhelpful. She identified key issues that contributed to the misapplication of her advice:
- Mixed Messaging: Lansbury theorized that her initial advice, while aiming for trust, might have inadvertently created mixed messages for the child. The parent’s underlying doubts, coupled with the consistent emphasis on "waiting for readiness," could have been perceived by the child as a subtle parental agenda. Children, Lansbury explained, are highly attuned to parental feelings and unspoken expectations.
- Parental Anxiety: The parent herself identified as an "anxious overthinker." Lansbury noted that parental anxiety, especially when a child is experiencing fear or resistance, can be transmitted to the child, creating a feedback loop. This anxiety can manifest as self-doubt in the parent’s ability to guide their child effectively.
- Misalignment with Parental Instincts: Lansbury concluded that her primary error was advocating for a belief system – complete trust in the child’s innate readiness – that did not align with the parent’s fundamental feelings and instincts. The parent’s gut feeling was that her daughter was not merely unmotivated but potentially experiencing a phobia that required a more directive intervention.
"I feel bad that then I recommended her to trust her child," Lansbury admitted. "Because, as I said in the beginning of this episode today, I believe that’s preferable if we can do it. I believe it gives our child this tremendous opportunity to have one of the first big autonomous achievements in their development… However, this was not good advice for this parent because it was suggesting that she stretch to a belief system that she absolutely was not in."
The Role of Instinct and Firm Boundaries
The parent’s successful approach, Lansbury acknowledged, was rooted in her "hundred percent certainty" that it was time, irrespective of her daughter’s expressed interest. This certainty, the parent believed, was crucial in overcoming the daughter’s "phobia" and enabling her to achieve a developmental milestone. Lansbury reflected on the parent’s statement: "I know what worked. It was us having a hundred percent certainty that it was time despite no interest on her part and that she could do it, but we needed to force the issue."
This experience led Lansbury to emphasize the critical importance of parental instinct. She stated, "Whatever parenting advice you’re getting from anywhere, it’s got to resonate with your instincts." She cautioned against blindly following advice that does not feel right, as it can lead to inauthentic implementation and continued mixed messaging.
Lansbury also touched upon the concept of "Velcro children" and the parent’s comfort with her daughter’s constant need for proximity. While not directly blaming this for the toilet training issue, she highlighted that a reluctance to set boundaries around separation can contribute to a child’s anxiety and a feeling of being "stuck." The parent’s ultimate success, Lansbury suggested, involved a clear, firm boundary around the necessity of toilet training at a specific age, a boundary that the parent ultimately felt empowered to enforce.
Broader Implications for Parenting Advice
This self-reflective analysis by Janet Lansbury offers valuable lessons for parents and educators alike. It underscores that:
- Individuality of Child Development: While general principles of child development exist, each child and family dynamic is unique. A one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, even from respected experts, may not always be effective.
- The Power of Parental Instinct: Parents are often the most attuned to their children’s needs and can possess an intuitive understanding that might not be immediately apparent through theoretical frameworks. Trusting these instincts, even when they diverge from expert advice, is crucial.
- The Nuance of Motivation: Intrinsic motivation is a powerful force, but external factors, including parental anxiety and subtle pressures, can interfere. Recognizing and addressing these can be as important as fostering the child’s innate drive.
- The Evolution of Expertise: A hallmark of true expertise is the willingness to learn from mistakes and adapt one’s understanding. Lansbury’s candid admission exemplifies this, offering a valuable case study in the ongoing journey of understanding child development.
The successful resolution of the four-year toilet training saga, achieved through a strategy that contrasted with Lansbury’s initial recommendations, highlights the dynamic and often unpredictable nature of parenting. It serves as a potent reminder that while guidance is valuable, ultimate authority and decision-making rest with the parents, who must integrate advice with their own deeply held beliefs and instincts to best support their child’s journey.
