In a candid self-reflection, renowned parenting expert Janet Lansbury has revisited a piece of advice she offered on her podcast, "Unruffled," concerning toilet training, acknowledging it as "bad advice" that ultimately proved unhelpful to a family’s protracted struggle. The situation, which spanned approximately four years, saw a parent initially seeking guidance from Lansbury’s child-led approach, only to find success by ultimately diverging from it. This self-critique offers a valuable case study in the nuances of parenting advice and the critical importance of parental intuition.
The Genesis of the Conflict: A Child’s Resistance
The core of the issue emerged from a parent’s query on Lansbury’s podcast episode titled "When Kids Don’t Seem Motivated (to Potty, Crawl, or Create)," aired approximately a year prior to this re-evaluation. The parent described a situation with her then three-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who was "absolutely set on being in diapers ‘forever.’" Despite exhibiting clear signs of physical, cognitive, and verbal readiness for over 18 months, the child demonstrated extreme aversion to the potty, refusing even to approach it or discuss the topic.
The parent detailed a history of attempting a child-led approach, emphasizing a deliberate "backing off" with "no pressure at all" and a genuine attitude of "I don’t care, you do you. If you need me, I’m here." However, this approach led to significant parental doubt. The parent expressed concern about enabling avoidance, particularly given the child’s tendency towards fearfulness and avoidance in other contexts, where the parents acted as "wise guides" to help her navigate her fears. This led to a perceived disconnect: while the parents were adept at guiding their daughter through other challenging situations, toilet training felt like an area where they were stuck, potentially enabling a "phobia." The child was described as typically developing, albeit highly sensitive and strong-willed, with a demand-avoidant temperament.
Lansbury’s Initial Advice: Trust and Boundaries
In the original podcast episode, Lansbury outlined her philosophy on toilet learning, advocating for a child-led approach. She posited that this method allows children to achieve this milestone autonomously with parental support, viewing it as a precious opportunity for independent development. She stressed that this is not the only method that works, acknowledging that many children thrive with parent-led, time-bound training.
Lansbury’s advice for the struggling parent centered on three key remedies for "getting kids unstuck" and reconnecting with their innate motivation:
- Trust: A genuine belief in the child’s natural abilities, motivation, and inner direction, coupled with ample opportunities for practice.
- Reasonable Boundaries: Recognizing that parental boundaries can sometimes be the missing piece when a child appears stuck.
- Welcoming Feelings: Allowing children to experience and express uncomfortable emotions like frustration or uncertainty without the parent feeling obligated to fix them.
Applying these principles to the case, Lansbury initially suggested that the child’s strong resistance, expressed through statements like "I’m going to be in diapers forever," indicated she was pushing back against a perceived parental agenda. Lansbury theorized that mixed messaging from parents—wanting the child to train while simultaneously claiming to trust her independence—could create anxiety. Her primary recommendation was for the parent to make a clear choice, leaning towards "full-on trust" and removing themselves from the equation to allow the child to lead. She advised against "reminders" and encouraged trusting the child’s play with stuffed animals as a sign of her working through anxieties independently.
The Parent’s Update: A Turn of Events
Months later, the parent provided an update, revealing a significant shift in their approach and outcome. Approaching her fourth birthday, the parent decided that regardless of her daughter’s interest, diapers would no longer be an option. This decision marked a decisive departure from the child-led philosophy.
The initial days of this new approach were described as "grueling," with "intense" fear and resistance from the child. However, after pushing through this resistance, the family experienced a breakthrough. The daughter subsequently achieved dryness and willingly used the toilet, with no further accidents reported in the week following the update.
This successful outcome led the parent to question Lansbury’s initial advice. She reflected with regret on not listening to her own instincts earlier, believing her daughter was a "scared kid who needed help doing something she was fully capable of." The parent’s revised perspective was that toilet training, for her child, was not an inherent developmental milestone to be achieved when ready, but rather a phobia that required a "strong and firm push"—likened to getting vaccines rather than learning to walk. She concluded that her daughter needed this intervention, and the certainty of the parents in their decision was the key factor.
Lansbury’s Re-evaluation: Acknowledging "Bad Advice"
Prompted by the parent’s update, Lansbury dedicated a new "Unruffled" episode to re-examining her previous guidance. She expressed genuine pleasure in the parent’s success and apologized if her advice had inadvertently led the family astray from their own instincts.
Lansbury identified a critical flaw in her original recommendation: while she advised parents to make a "clear choice one way or the other," she had leaned towards promoting the "trust direction." In retrospect, she realized this advice did not align with the parent’s underlying feelings and deep-seated doubts. The parent, described as an "anxious overthinker," struggled to fully embrace a belief system that her child would eventually toilet train independently. Lansbury noted that children are highly attuned to parental emotions, and mixed messaging stemming from a parent’s underlying doubts can create confusion and anxiety for the child, potentially leading to resistance.
The parent’s statement that she "tried my best to implement your suggestions. Still, there was no movement toward interest in the potty on her part" highlighted the disconnect. Lansbury posited that the child’s "resistance" implied something to resist, suggesting that perhaps the parent, despite her best efforts, was subtly pushing her agenda, which the child perceived.
The Role of Parental Instinct and Certainty
Lansbury’s self-critique underscores the profound importance of parental instinct and conviction. She acknowledged that while her own belief system centers on child-led development, it is crucial for advice to resonate with the parent’s own gut feelings. If advice does not align with a parent’s innate sense of what is right for their child, it is unlikely to be effective and can lead to the "mixed messaging" that can hinder progress.
The parent’s eventual success was attributed to "a hundred percent certainty" that it was time for toilet training, despite the child’s lack of interest. This certainty, Lansbury now believes, was the missing ingredient that her initial advice failed to adequately address for this particular family. The parent’s reflection that she "regretted that I didn’t listen to myself" and that her daughter "needed us to see through that" reinforces this point.
Broader Implications for Parenting Advice
This situation offers significant takeaways for parents and parenting experts alike:
- Individualized Approaches: Toilet training is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. What works for one child and family may not work for another. The parent’s experience suggests that for some children, particularly those with anxious or avoidant tendencies, a more directive approach, coupled with parental certainty, may be necessary.
- The Power of Parental Intuition: While expert advice can be valuable, it should not override a parent’s intrinsic understanding of their child. The parent’s initial instinct that her daughter needed more direct intervention, despite adhering to a child-led philosophy, proved to be correct for her situation.
- Authenticity in Guidance: Parenting advice, whether from experts or peers, must be delivered and received with authenticity. When advice is not deeply aligned with a parent’s core beliefs or current emotional state, it can create confusion and hinder progress.
- The Nature of Resistance: Resistance from a child can be a complex signal. While it can indicate a need for autonomy, as advocated by child-led approaches, it can also be a manifestation of fear, anxiety, or a response to perceived parental pressure, even when subtle.
- The Evolution of Expertise: Lansbury’s willingness to publicly acknowledge her "bad advice" exemplifies a mature and evolving understanding of parenting dynamics. It highlights that even seasoned experts can learn from real-world outcomes and adjust their perspectives.
Ultimately, the case of this child’s toilet training journey, as re-examined by Janet Lansbury, serves as a powerful reminder that while guidance and expert opinions are helpful, the most effective parenting strategies are those that are deeply resonant with a parent’s instincts and convictions, delivered with unwavering certainty and an understanding of the individual child’s unique needs. The parent’s eventual success, achieved by trusting her own evolving assessment of her daughter’s needs, underscores the critical role of parental self-awareness and the courage to deviate from established doctrines when intuition dictates a different path.
