A two-and-a-half-year-old child’s adjustment to a small, in-home childcare setting is proving to be a significant challenge, marked by persistent crying, rapid shifts in engagement with activities, and a constant need for reassurance from her caregiver. The caregiver, herself a mother of two young boys, finds herself questioning her role in the child’s apparent insecurity and contemplating whether a different environment might be more suitable. This situation, while unique in its specifics, touches upon universal themes of early childhood development, the complexities of separation anxiety, and the caregiver’s own emotional resilience.
The article, originally published on July 14, 2026, by Janet Lansbury, an advocate for respectful parenting and early childhood education, delves into the underlying dynamics of this challenging transition. Lansbury, through her podcast "Unruffled," addresses a letter from a parent who has established a small in-home learning group. While the group is generally successful, the persistent struggles of one particular two-and-a-half-year-old girl have caused significant distress for both the child and the caregiver.
The Presenting Problem: A Child in Distress
The letter writer, a stay-at-home mother who transitioned to running a small childcare group, describes a two-and-a-half-year-old girl who has been attending her program for two days a week. The child’s behavior is characterized by:
- Persistent Crying: The girl cries for a significant portion of her time at the childcare setting.
- Short Attention Span: She frequently shifts from one activity to another within seconds, indicating a lack of sustained engagement.
- Constant Need for Validation: The child repeatedly asks the caregiver, "Do you like me?" despite receiving no indication that she is disliked. This behavior has become a focal point of the caregiver’s concern.
The caregiver expresses feeling "drained and overwhelmed" by the situation, noting that the child’s distress "greatly affecting my nervous system." She admits to considering suggesting to the child’s parents that she might be happier in a different setting, such as a larger preschool or returning to full-time care at home. This consideration stems from a desire to find a solution that benefits the child and alleviates her own emotional burden.
Expert Perspective: Understanding the Adjustment Period
Janet Lansbury offers a counter-intuitive perspective, suggesting that the child’s challenging behaviors are not necessarily a sign of fundamental insecurity or a need for a different environment, but rather indicators that she is actively engaged in the process of adjustment. Lansbury frames this rocky transition as the child "doing her job" of adapting to a new social and emotional landscape.
According to Lansbury, separation from primary caregivers and immersion in a new environment is a significant undertaking for young children. The intensity of emotions, including crying and disquiet, is a natural and healthy part of this process. This aligns with research in child development, which highlights that toddlers often exhibit a range of behaviors during transitions, including clinginess, fussiness, and difficulty engaging in activities. Studies on early childhood education consistently show that a period of adjustment is expected when children begin new group settings, with the duration and intensity varying based on individual temperament, prior experiences, and the quality of the care environment.
The Role of the Caregiver: Trusting the Process
Lansbury emphasizes the caregiver’s role in facilitating this adjustment, not by attempting to "fix" the child’s feelings, but by trusting her process and providing a stable, empathetic presence. She suggests that the caregiver’s own discomfort and desire to resolve the child’s distress can inadvertently prolong the adjustment period.
"The more we try to get in there and fix that, the harder it is for the child to relax," Lansbury explains. "Because we’re not relaxed. We’re not entirely sure about them. We are not entirely trusting that they can handle this."
Lansbury proposes that the child’s repeated question, "Do you like me?" is not necessarily a deep-seated need for validation but rather a way of probing the caregiver’s emotional response. The child may have sensed the caregiver’s discomfort with her crying and flitting behaviors, and is now exploring that perceived vulnerability. Lansbury suggests that responding with consistent reassurance and unwavering affection, without becoming flustered, can help the child move past this phase.
A Deeper Look at the "Do You Like Me?" Question
Lansbury addresses the caregiver’s surprise at a two-and-a-half-year-old expressing such a question, suggesting it might stem from interactions at home. She hypothesizes that the child may have overheard or experienced phrases related to liking or disliking, which have become a focal point of her exploration.
"My guess is this came up at home somehow, that the parents said it about someone or maybe about this girl," Lansbury posits. "I don’t like when you’re doing that or I don’t like you when you do that or something. Somehow this became ‘a thing’ for this little girl."
This perspective aligns with developmental psychology, which notes that children are highly attuned to the emotional cues and language of their caregivers. What might seem like a simple question can be a complex way of testing boundaries and seeking understanding of social dynamics. Lansbury advises responding with a clear and loving affirmation, such as, "Yes, I do, and I still do," to convey security and predictability.
The Impact of Schedule and Environment
The caregiver’s concern about having the child for only two days a week is also addressed. Lansbury suggests that this limited exposure might actually hinder the adjustment process.
"Two days a week for a child this age is not a lot of time to transition," Lansbury argues. "She’s just not having the opportunity to really get comfortable eating and napping and playing in this different setting. It almost feels like a brand new situation to her every time, with all those days in between."
She proposes that, counterintuitively, more frequent attendance might accelerate the child’s settling-in process. This would allow her to build a stronger sense of familiarity and attachment with the caregiver, making the environment feel more secure and predictable. This concept resonates with research on attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of consistent, responsive interactions for building secure bonds.
Regarding the suggestion of a larger preschool setting, Lansbury expresses caution. She believes that for a child struggling with adjustment, a smaller, more intimate environment like the one offered by the caregiver is likely more beneficial. Larger settings can be overwhelming and may not provide the same level of individual attention and emotional safety that allows a child to express their difficulties freely.
Caregiver Well-being: Acknowledging the Strain
Lansbury acknowledges the significant emotional toll such a situation can take on a caregiver. She validates the caregiver’s feelings of being drained and overwhelmed, recognizing that caring for a child in distress is emotionally taxing. Her advice includes encouraging the caregiver to prioritize her own well-being, suggesting that self-care is not selfish but essential for sustained, effective caregiving. The caregiver’s consideration of suggesting a different environment is framed not as a failure, but as a valid response to her own needs and limits.
"Of course I want to encourage her that she has the choice to say this isn’t working for her and to really care for herself in that way," Lansbury states.
Broader Implications: Trusting Children’s Natural Processes
The core message of Lansbury’s advice is to shift the focus from "fixing" a child’s difficult behaviors to trusting their innate capacity for adjustment. This perspective extends beyond the immediate situation, offering a framework for understanding various childhood challenges, from tantrums to transitions.
The article implicitly highlights the growing trend of parents seeking alternative childcare arrangements, such as in-home groups, which offer more personalized care than traditional large centers. The caregiver’s initiative in creating this learning environment is lauded, underscoring the value of dedicated individuals who choose to work with young children.
Lansbury’s approach encourages a paradigm shift in how caregivers perceive and respond to children’s emotional expressions. Instead of viewing tears and resistance as problematic issues to be eradicated, they are reframed as valuable communication signals that, when met with understanding and trust, can lead to a child’s deeper sense of security and self-reliance. This philosophy is rooted in the belief that children are inherently capable and resilient, and that supportive adults play a crucial role in nurturing these qualities by allowing them the space and time to navigate their own developmental journeys. The article serves as a reminder that for young children, navigating new environments is a monumental task, and a rocky path is often the most direct route to a secure landing.
