Esteemed RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) expert Hari Grebler recently shared her profound and elegantly simple approach to infant and toddler sleep on Janet Lansbury’s popular podcast, "Unruffled." Grebler, a long-time associate of RIE founder Magda Gerber and a Pikler pedagogue and Waldorf early childhood teacher, offered insights that challenge conventional wisdom, emphasizing a foundation of respect and observation from the earliest stages of a child’s life. Her philosophy, honed over 35 years of practice and personal experience, aims to foster healthy sleep habits that benefit both children and parents throughout their lives.
A Foundation of Respect: Grebler’s Core Philosophy
Grebler’s approach to sleep, like all aspects of parenting she champions, is rooted in seeing the infant as a whole person deserving of respect. This fundamental principle, learned from Magda Gerber, guides her advice. "Through Magda and RIE I became familiar with the world of infants and learned that respect could be communicated through everyday interactions," Grebler stated, underscoring the pervasive influence of this philosophy.
The conversation, which aired on July 6, 2025, delved into what Grebler terms "uncommon sense" advice, a stark contrast to the often-anxious and prescriptive narratives surrounding infant sleep. Lansbury, a vocal advocate for respectful parenting, noted the comforting and straightforward nature of Grebler’s guidance, likening it to Gerber’s own inimitable style.
Early Observation: The Cornerstone of Healthy Sleep
A key takeaway from Grebler’s discussion is the critical importance of early observation. She advocates for parents to become attuned to their baby’s subtle cues of tiredness, even before more obvious signs like eye-rubbing or yawning emerge. These early indicators can include a more dazed look, slowing movements, or even a subtle shift in energy levels.
"My very favorite and best tip ever in the world is from the very, very beginning when you see your baby tired, even the littlest baby, to say, ‘Oh you seem so tired. I just saw you rub your eyes. Come, let’s go get ready for bed,’" Grebler explained. She emphasized that this simple act of verbalizing observation and connecting it to an action—like picking up the baby to prepare for rest—creates a profound awareness for the child. This positive framing, she argues, is far more impactful than traditional approaches that often imbue sleep with anxiety.
Challenging the Sleep Training Paradigm
Grebler’s perspective directly contrasts with many popular "sleep training" methods, which she views as often regimented and imposed rather than responsive to the individual child’s needs. "Sleep training to me is a set of rules… and it’s putting the baby in and letting the baby be," she stated, highlighting the common practice of leaving babies to cry as a core element she questions.
While acknowledging that some parents may find solace in structured approaches, Grebler’s RIE-informed perspective emphasizes the importance of presence and connection. She differentiates between a brief cry of release while being held by a parent and the prolonged distress of a baby left alone. "I feel like there’s a difference between a five-minute cry in your arms or even longer in your arms. I feel like that’s different than a baby being by themselves," she asserted. This focus on the parent-child relationship as the primary support system for sleep is a hallmark of her philosophy.
The Role of Rhythm Over Routine
A significant point of discussion was the distinction between rhythm and routine. Grebler advocates for establishing a natural rhythm in a child’s day, rather than adhering to a rigid, clock-based routine. This means being attuned to the child’s signals and responding accordingly, rather than imposing an external schedule.
Grebler shared her personal experience with her son, where she initially felt pressure from external advice suggesting a strict nap schedule. However, she ultimately found his unique rhythm by meticulously observing his cues. "From that day forward, I just watched really carefully. We had a rhythm of getting up in the morning, being fed, very much connecting together, diapering, changing, and then he would go to play," she recounted. Through careful observation over a week, she noted a consistent pattern, approximately at 9:00 AM, when he would show signs of tiredness. This allowed her to proactively prepare him for sleep, not by forcing it, but by recognizing and responding to his natural cues.
This approach underscores the idea that children are not simply passive recipients of schedules but active participants in their own well-being. By respecting their internal cues, parents empower children to develop self-awareness and a sense of agency, even around something as fundamental as sleep.
The Impact of Overstimulation and Exhaustion
The conversation also touched upon the pervasive issue of overstimulation and its direct impact on a child’s ability to sleep. Grebler and Lansbury discussed how children, especially infants and toddlers, engage with their environment with their entire being, making them far more susceptible to exhaustion than adults who often compartmentalize their experiences.
Grebler offered an anecdote about a child who, after a significant event, threw his hat into a puddle and declared, "I’m going straight to bed!" This seemingly defiant act, Grebler explained, was a clear signal of exhaustion, mirroring the very words parents often use to describe their children’s needs. This illustrates how children, when given the language and awareness, can articulate their own tiredness, even if it manifests as a seemingly negative behavior.
Lansbury further elaborated on this, sharing a parent’s distress over their child’s poor behavior the day after an elaborate birthday party. The parent’s bewilderment at the sudden meltdown was met with the explanation that the child was likely exhausted from the previous day’s festivities. This highlights a crucial aspect of child development: their capacity for experiencing and recovering from stimulation is different from adults, and what might seem like a minor event for an adult can be profoundly draining for a child.
Creating a Conducive Sleep Environment
While cautioning against an overreliance on external tools like sound machines or blackout curtains, Grebler did acknowledge the importance of a calm and inviting sleep environment. However, her emphasis remained on the quality of connection and presence within that environment.
Grebler’s personal practice, and her recommendation to others, often involves staying present with the child during their sleep preparation. She deviates from the common advice of tiptoeing out of the room, suggesting that this controlled separation can be less beneficial than a shared, calm transition. She referenced Emmi Pikler’s center, where children slept in communal rooms, emphasizing that solitary sleep in a highly controlled environment is a relatively unique modern construct.
"The more rhythmic the life of the child is, it gives them more freedom to do what they need to do and want to do," Grebler stated, linking a predictable and responsive daily flow to a child’s ability to embrace experiences with confidence and security, which in turn supports restful sleep.
The Importance of Parental Well-being
A recurring theme throughout the discussion was the interconnectedness of adult and child well-being. Grebler and Lansbury both stressed that a parent’s own stress and anxiety around sleep can significantly impact a child’s ability to relax and fall asleep.
"Anxiety is what interferes, for the adult anyway. And for the child, the anxiety of the adult," Grebler observed. She encouraged parents to release the pressure of "making" a child sleep and instead focus on creating the conditions for sleep. This shift in perspective, from control to facilitation, can transform the often-fraught experience of bedtime.
Lansbury shared her own recent struggles with sleep, and how the advice to "just let it go" and not worry about falling asleep quickly was the most beneficial. This underscores the idea that a relaxed parental attitude can create a more peaceful environment for the child, allowing them to naturally drift into sleep without the added pressure of parental expectations.
A Lifelong Approach to Sleep and Connection
The conversation concluded with a reflection on the long-term implications of this respectful approach to sleep. Grebler and Lansbury agreed that the principles discussed—observation, responsiveness, rhythm, and presence—are not merely strategies for infant sleep but foundational elements of a lifelong, healthy parent-child relationship.
"This idea of letting our babies share with us, ‘you can tell all that stuff to me,’ that’s something we can take with us to the end with our kids," Lansbury remarked, highlighting the enduring value of this communication-based approach.
Grebler’s new offering, "Hari’s House," aims to provide parents with a comprehensive understanding of these principles by showcasing how RIE and Pikler philosophies translate into daily life. This initiative seeks to offer a visual and experiential learning environment, demonstrating the practical application of respectful parenting in areas such as caregiving, free play, meals, and sleep. The goal is to empower parents to create nurturing and harmonious environments that support both their children’s development and their own well-being, fostering a sense of peace and connection that extends far beyond the bedtime routine.